Maedhros Fëanorion’s Diary
by fanged geranium
Summary: The Silmarillion' in the style of 'Bridget Jones's Diary'


I was asked to write a summary of 'The Silmarillion' by Almie, for the folks at the University of Exeter Tolkien Society who haven't read the book yet, but would like to have an outline of its events. I wrote this instead.

_Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema. The format belongs to Helen Fielding. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for this work._

**Maedhros Fëanorion's Diary**

**Dramatis Personae**

**_The Gods_**:

Eru - The One

_Valar_

Manwë - in charge of Middle-earth and Valinor

Námo Mandos - the Doomsman, Lord of the Dead

Ulmo - Lord of the Waters

Varda - also called Elbereth, wife of Manwë and Queen of the Stars

Morgoth - formerly known as Melkor, the Dark Lord

_Maiar_

Eönwë - herald of Manwë

Melian - wife of Thingol, protector of Doriath

Sauron - servant of the Dark Lord

_**Noldor **_

Finwë - the original High King, my grandfather

Fëanor - maker of the Silmarils, my father, slightly unhinged at best, but a genius

Fingolfin - my half-uncle

Finarfin - another half-uncle

_Sons of Fëanor_

Maedhros the Tall - me! (also incredibly handsome and inexplicably single)

Maglor - the second greatest singer ever

Celegorm the Fair - fond of hunting, owner of the hound Huan

Caranthir the Dark - an enigma

Curufin the Crafty - takes after Father

Amrod and Amras - the twins

_Children of Fingolfin_

Fingon the Valiant - my particular friend

Turgon - rather stubborn

Aredhel - the White Lady of the Noldor

_Children of Finarfin_

Finrod - universally popular

Angrod

Aegnor

Orodreth - mostly spineless

Galadriel

_Others_

Celebrimbor - Curufin's son

Ereinion Gil-galad - ephemerally Fingon's son

Idril - Turgon's daughter

Maeglin - Aredhel's son

Finduilas - Orodreth's daughter

_**Sindar**_

Thingol - King of Menegroth

Lúthien - Thingol's daughter, the most beautiful woman ever (I never met her!)

Beleg Strongbow

Círdan - Lord of the Falas

_**Other Elves**_

The Vanyar - golden-haired, they sit at the foot of Manwë's mountain

The Teleri - silver-haired, the singers

_**Half-elves**_

Dior - son of Lúthien and Beren

Eluréd and Elurín - sons of Dior

Elwing - daughter of Dior

Eärendil - son of Idril and Tuor

Elros and Elrond - sons of Elwing and Eärendil

_**Men**_

Beren the One-handed - returned from the dead

Tuor - Ulmo's messenger to Gondolin

Túrin the Hapless - a walking disaster area, cousin of Tuor

Nienor - sister and wife of Túrin

**The Diary**

_Year 1450 of the Trees_

Weight: 220 pounds (no, I'm not overweight, it's just that I'm more than 7 feet tall!)

No. of shiny jewels made by father: 3

Elven-maids seduced: 0

Alcohol units: dozens

Father has captured the light of the Trees in three jewels that he calls 'Silmarils'. They're nice enough, I suppose, but all the ladies in Tirion are only interested in the Silmarils and are ignoring me. Am feeling v. neglected. Got drunk with Cousin Fingon, who was feeling equally neglected.

_Year 1490 of the Trees_

No. of times moved house: 1

Elven-maids seduced: 0 (v. bad)

Was just about to get lucky with v. pretty girl when Father went and threatened to murder Uncle Fingolfin because Uncle Fingolfin told tales about Father to Grandpa Finwë. Shouldn't have caused too much trouble, but the Valar got involved and exiled Father for 12 years. Mother refused to go, but the rest of us went off to Formenos with Father. It's v. cold and dark here and I'm sure cousin Finrod will get that girl I was after.

_Year 1495 of the Trees_

Grandparents murdered by Dark Lord: 1

Oaths sworn: 1

Kin slain: 100+ (v. bad)

Curses received: 1

Morgoth murdered Grandpa Finwë, stole the Silmarils and killed the Trees with the help of Ungoliant, the giant spider. Father lost his marbles and we all swore an oath of vengeance, which was rather daft really, but it seemed like the right thing at the time. We went to Alqualondë to borrow some ships from the Teleri, but they were feeling pugnacious and tried to stop us. It all got a bit out-of-hand and if Cousin Fingon hadn't helped we might have lost. The upshot of it all was that we took the ships then Mandos appeared and cursed us all! Uncle Finarfin got cold feet and went back to Tirion.

_Year 1497 of the Trees_

Ships burned: lots, but not my fault

Parents killed by Balrogs: 1

Oaths sworn: 1 (but it was the same as the last one, so it doesn't count)

Kin slain: 0

Minions of Morgoth killed: at least 1000 (lost count after that)

We finally arrived in Middle-earth. Father and Curufin burned all the ships we came in so Uncle Fingolfin and his people have to cross the ice or go back to Tirion. I objected but was ignored. Unfortunately the fire told Morgoth exactly where we were and he sent a crowd of Orcs and Balrogs after us. We gave them a jolly good pasting but Father ran ahead of his bodyguard and got himself killed by Gothmog, the chief Balrog. He made us swear that dratted oath again while he was dying. I got captured by Balrogs and my army was slaughtered in an ambush. That------- -------Morgoth has now chained me to Thangorodrim by my right hand. V. uncomfortable.

_Year 1, First Age_

New light sources observed: 2

One light is rather pretty and silver, the other is yellow and far too hot. Eru only knows what the Valar were thinking of this time. Saw Uncle Fingolfin march past. Tried shouting to get his attention but got rather drowned out by his trumpets.

_Year 5, First Age_

Hands lost: 1

Kin slain: 0 (v. good)

Arguments with relations: 1

Minions of Morgoth killed: 0 (v. bad)

Cousin Fingon rescued me from captivity on Thangorodrim with the help of an eagle. Unfortunately his lock-picking skills weren't up to scratch so he had to cut my hand off. Most of my brothers were glad to have me back, but I think Curufin's plotting something. Will learn to wield a sword with my left hand and become even more deadly than I was before.

_Year 7, First Age_

Kin slain: 0 (not that I didn't want to)

Arguments with relations: 6

Kingships abdicated: 1 (what a relief!)

Councils attended: 1

Sindar monarchs I insulted: 1 (go me!)

New realms occupied: 5 (including my brothers' places)

Celegorm, Caranthir and Curufin will probably never speak to me again. I conveniently 'forgot' to tell them that I was going to let Uncle Fingolfin be High King, so by the time they found out it was already too late. Cousin Fingon is looking v. smug about being heir to the throne. Cousin Angrod called a council to deliver messages from his great-uncle, King Thingol of the Sindar. Thingol has given us permission to live in the uninhabited bits of Beleriand. Silly old coot! The Orcs would have overrun the whole place by now if we Noldor hadn't showed up. Caranthir got stroppy so I took him and my other brothers off to the lands in the East so none of them can cause trouble with Uncle Fingolfin's people.

_Year 20, First Age_

Kin slain: 0 (was v. restrained)

Feasts attended: 1

Alcohol units: too many

Elven-maids seduced: 0 (v. bad)

Am starting to wonder if it's my missing hand that's putting off the ladies, (not that I had much success before I lost it), although Celegorm, Amrod and Amras didn't get lucky either.

_Year 52, First Age_

Kin slain: 0

Castles built: 1 (v. large)

Cousin Finrod has moved in to some caves on the west bank of the river Narog, with the help of some dwarves and everyone is calling him Felagund now (that's 'Hewer of Caves' in Dwarvish, apparently). He says that the cave business was all Ulmo's idea. The dwarves have also made a necklace for Cousin Finrod - it's v. gaudy, but it suits him well enough. Turns out crafty old Finrod brought half the gold in Tirion across the ice with him, which is how he managed to pay for all the building work. I only built a fortress on Himring, but it's sturdy enough to keep the Orcs (and the worst of the weather) out.

_Year 60, First Age_

Fiery mountain ranges: 1

Earthquakes: lost count

Minions of Morgoth killed: thousands (v. satisfying)

Dark Lords besieged: 1

New neighbours: 2

Morgoth (-------) sent a host of Orcs to destroy us, but luckily gave us ample warning by sending out scouts and letting of a few volcanoes. We surrounded his army in the fields of Ardgalen and killed every last bloody Orc there - we're calling it the Glorious Battle! After the battle Cousin Angrod and Cousin Aegnor moved in to the vacant lands west of Himring (North of Thingol's realm in Doriath), so now we have Morgoth pretty much surrounded. He won't be trying any more funny tricks for a while!

_Year 67, First Age_

Sindar monarchs who insulted me: 1 (not to my face, of course)

Self-righteous cousins I would like to hit: 5 (will do it if they come to Himring)

Cousin Angrod told Thingol about the Kinslaying at Alqualondë, and he, his brothers and Cousin Galadriel denied their own responsibility for it. Hypocrites - they wanted the ships as much as we did, they were just a bit too slow on the march. Thingol (that puffed-up poppinjay) has now banned Quenya from being spoken in Middle-earth because we Noldor use it. I'm actually quite glad the Sindar have stopped trying to speak Quenya - they mangle it appallingly.

_Year 102, First Age_

Cousin Finrod has finally finished digging out caves. He's called the place 'Nargothrond'. I heard he had a housewarming party, but he didn't invite any of us. Maybe it's because I didn't invite him to Himring - perhaps I should do that one year.

_Year 116, First Age_

Cousins misplaced: 3

Cousin Turgon and his people have disappeared from their city at Nevrast, including Cousin Aredhel and Turgon's daughter Idril . Uncle Fingolfin and Cousin Fingon are rather worried.

_Year 155, First Age_

Attempted attacks by Orcs: 1

Cousin Fingon ran a few Orcs of his patch recently, straight into the sea. That'll teach 'em.

_Year 260, First Age_

New species discovered: 1 (potentially v. bad)

Cousin Fingon met a creature that calls itself Glaurung the Fire-drake. It looks like it might be rather dangerous once it's fully grown.

_Year 316, First Age _

Cousins found: 1 (v. good)

Cousins lost again:1 (v. bad)

Cousin Aredhel turned up at Celegorm and Curufin's place at Himlad with a tale about Cousin Turgon's hidden city, (another of Ulmo's ideas, named Gondolin - a much nicer name than Nargothrond), and how she feels trapped and bored there. She didn't wait for my brothers to get home from visiting Caranthir in Thargelion but wandered off again to Eru knows where.

_Year 400, First Age_

New species discovered: 1 (not sure about them yet)

Cousins found then lost again: 2

Finally invited Cousin Finrod to Himring. We went hunting and he wandered off. Why must all my half-cousins do that? It really gets on my nerves. The only one who doesn't is Galadriel, and I wish she would! Anyway, Cousin Finrod discovered the Secondborn Children of Eru Illuvatar (they call themselves Men) and he has adopted them; whether as children or pets I don't know. He took a whole bunch of them back to Nargothrond.

Cousin Aredhel travelled through Himlad, but once again didn't wait to see Curufin or Celegorm. She now has a child, (called Maeglin, according to Curufin's people). Curufin did meet the dark elf Eöl, who claims to be Cousin Aredhel's husband - he was out looking for her, so I reckon she has run away from him, back to Gondolin. I congratulated Curufin for not killing the creature on sight. The dark elf will meet a bad end one of these days without one of us indulging in more Kinslaying.

_Year 450, First Age_

Suspicious deaths: 1

Cousin Finrod got upset when one of his Men died - old age, he called it. Sounds damned fishy to me.

_Year 455, First Age_

Battles won: 1 (mine, v. good)

Battles lost: various (all my relations', v. bad)

Cousins killed by Morgoth: 2

Minions of Morgoth killed: not as many as I would have liked

That------- ----Morgoth used the volcano trick again and destroyed Ardgalen with fire, killing Cousins Angrod and Aegnor in the process. All my brothers have been driven out of their realms, but (thank Eru) I've still got Himring. Maglor is here too, which certainly helped during the Battle of Sudden Flame. I had trouble getting close enough to any orcs to kill them - the cowardly creatures just ran away.

_Year 456, First Age_

Uncles killed by Morgoth: 1

Uncle Fingolfin got so upset about his people getting killed that he rode off to Angband and issued a personal challenge to Morgoth. Morgoth killed my uncle (obviously) but I hear that Fingolfin stabbed him through the foot a few times first. Cousin Fingon is now High King, and is looking more smug than ever, although he has sent his son away to Círdan at the Havens. Probably a wise precaution.

_Year 463, First Age_

Alliances made: 1

Some swarthy Men from the East, beyond the mountains turned up at Himring. Cousin Finrod's Men were rather useful during the last battle, so I decided to let them stay, if they help to fight Morgoth. Caranthir has some as well.

_Year 465, First Age_

Brothers found: 2 (v. good)

Brothers I would happily murder: 2 (v. bad)

Cousins killed by Werewolves: 1 (different, I suppose)

Celegorm and Curufin came back to Himring. They were staying with Cousin Orodreth at Tol Sirion when Sauron defeated them there and then they went to Cousin Finrod at Nargothrond. It took me a while to get the full story out of them, but it seems they turned the people of Nargothrond against Cousin Finrod because he wanted to help a Man (Beren, I think it was) get a Silmaril so he could marry Lúthien, Thingol's daughter. The cheek of it! Asking for one of our Silmarils in exchange for the girl. But that's not the point. Finrod, Beren and a few other elves got themselves captured by Sauron and all but Beren were eaten by a Werewolf. Cousin Finrod was as heroic as ever. He had a singing duel with Sauron, which he lost, but he took the wolf down with him to save the Man's life.

All that was simple enough, but my dear brothers captured the girl and held her prisoner in Nargothrond because Celegorm had fallen in love with her. He wrote a letter to Thingol, asking for his permission to marry Lúthien, (which at least explains the strange note I had from Thingol asking where his daughter was), but the girl escaped with help from Celegorm's dog. Orodreth then grew a spine and ordered Celegorm and Curufin to leave. On their way here they met Beren and Lúthien travelling to Angband. Curufin tried to kidnap Lúthien, but Beren throttled him and that damned hound Huan stopped Celegorm from dispatching the Man. Anyway, Beren stole Curufin's favourite knife, Angrist, and his horse, so naturally Curufin shot at... the girl. One arrow hit Huan and the other hit Beren, so I think Curufin needs to brush up on his archery skills. Perhaps his aim was off because he was still upset that his son Celebrimbor disowned him and stayed in Nargothrond.

_Year 466, First Age_

Silmarils recovered: 1 (hooray!)

Silmarils restored to their rightful owners: 0 (damn!)

Well, they did it. Beren and Lúthien got a Silmaril off Morgoth. Beren lost a hand (Ha! I'm not the only one now!) and the Silmaril was eaten by a Werewolf, but then Celegorm's treacherous hound killed the wolf, (which killed the dog as well as Beren) and Thingol got his sticky little paws on my father's Silmaril. Seems that Lúthien then died of grief, wept and wailed in front of Námo Mandos, and both she and Beren have been restored to life, although she is now mortal and will receive the Gift of Men (or in other words, get old, die and go beyond the Circles of the World). I sent messengers to Thingol at Menegroth, asking for the Silmaril, but he was very rude about the whole business. He wants to keep the Silmaril for himself, I'll bet. Thieving bastard.

_Year 468, First Age_

Battles planned: 1

Potential allies alienated: 2

Realised that if one mortal and one elf could give Morgoth a bloody nose he must be getting weaker, so decided to form an alliance to march on Angband. Cousin Fingon is sending an army but Cousin Orodreth (cow-hearted idiot) won't help and Thingol (stuck-up prig) would rather stay holed up in Doriath and see Beleriand destroyed than aid a son of Fëanor. Quite a few Men have agreed that destroying Morgoth would be a good thing to do.

_Year 472, First Age_

Battles fought: 1

Battles lost: 1

Fortresses lost: 1

Cousins killed by Balrogs: 1

We marched on Angband, but my army was delayed by the machinations of one of my supposed allies, the Easterling Uldor the Accursed. Cousin Fingon and Cousin Turgon (who came out of his hidden city for the occasion) didn't bother to wait and tried to destroy Angband by themselves. After all those years of careful planning! If Cousin Fingon hadn't got himself killed by Gothmog and another Balrog I'd murder him myself! No, actually that's not quite true. Cousin Fingon was one of my best friends and I was more upset by his death than I was about losing the battle.

We might even have won, if Uldor the Accursed hadn't attacked my army from behind. He almost killed me before Maglor stopped him (thanks little brother!). Luckily all my brothers survived and we are now living in Ossiriand with the Green-elves. Cousin Turgon is apparently now High King (I don't think he knows about Cousin Fingon's son, Ereinion), but he can't do much while he stays in his hidden city.

_Year 489, First Age_

Curious rumours heard: 1

Elven-maids seduced: 0 (but am not worrying about that anymore)

Alcohol units: about right

The Green-elves have been talking about a Man called Túrin, who is a walking disaster area. He was fostered by Thingol in Doriath, accidentally killed one of the more obnoxious Sindar, ran away to become an outlaw then accidentally killed his best friend (another Sinda, named Beleg) who was trying to rescue him from some Orcs. He was last seen heading in the direction of Nargothrond. Poor Cousin Orodreth.

Celegorm, Amrod, Amras and I have resigned ourselves to being bachelors for the whole of eternity, so we decided to get drunk to commiserate. We found Maglor, Caranthir and Curufin already inebriated because their wives stayed in Tirion. We then decided to get drunk to celebrate not being married to faithless females who would leave us at the first sign of trouble.

_Year 495, First Age_

Cousins killed: 2

Hidden cities destroyed: 1

Nargothrond has been destroyed by an army lead by Glaurung the Fire-drake (I always said that creature was a menace). Cousin Orodreth lost his newly-acquired spine at precisely the wrong moment and let Túrin the Hapless take over the defence of the city and (worse still) ignored a warning from Ulmo. Orodreth was killed and his daughter, Cousin Finduilas, was murdered by Orcs.

_Year 499, First Age_

Problems that mutually annihilated: 2

The tale of Túrin now gets even more unbelievable. He (unknowingly) married his sister Nienor, killed Glaurung the Fire-drake then murdered his cousin, Brandir, for telling him that Nienor was his sister. Nienor and Túrin both killed themselves, so that's one Fire-drake and one hapless mortal less to worry about.

_Year 506, First Age_

Kin slain: about 30 (v. bad)

Dead brothers: 3 (v. v. bad)

Silmarils recovered: 0

Children lost: 2

Thingol (silly old fool) got himself murdered by dwarves because of the Silmaril and Lúthien's son, Dior Half-elven took over as king. When Beren and Lúthien died they sent the Silmaril back to Menegroth, to Dior, and Celegorm and Curufin heard about it. I wasn't too keen on attacking Doriath, but since Dior refused to return the Silmaril and Doriath was no longer protected by Thingol's Maia wife, Melian, I agreed to go along. We attacked last winter but those damned Sindar got the Silmaril away long before we arrived. Celegorm and Dior managed to kill each other; Curufin and Caranthir died too. Celegorm's servants took Dior's sons, Eluréd and Elurín, out into the forest and left them to starve. I searched for months but I couldn't find them - I suspect they were eaten by wolves. Have forsworn my oath.

_Year 509, First Age_

Cousins killed: 2

Hidden cities destroyed: 1

Cousins killed a long time ago that I hadn't heard about: 1

Dead Balrogs: at least 2

Morgoth found out where Gondolin was from Cousin Aredhel's son Maeglin (damned traitor - I didn't crack after all those years on Thangorodrim; what was his excuse?) and sent Orcs and Balrogs to destroy the city. Cousin Turgon was killed, but his daughter Idril (who has married a mortal named Tuor - their son is called Eärendil) let the people to safety. Tuor threw Maeglin off a cliff, which apparently was also the fate of his father Eöl, who murdered Cousin Aredhel more than a century ago. Ecthelion of the House of the Fountain killed Gothmog, so Father and Cousin Fingon are avenged. Glorfindel of the House of the Golden Flower took another Balrog off a cliff with him.

_Year 538, First Age_

Kin slain: several dozen (don't care any more)

Dead brothers: 2 (v. v. bad)

Silmarils recovered: 0 (------!)

Children found: 2

The oath was gnawing away at us, so after Elwing, Dior's daughter (married to Idril's son Eärendil, oddly enough) refused to give us the Silmaril when I asked very politely, we attacked the Havens of Sirion, in Arvernien. Eärendil was away at sea, so fortunately we didn't have to kill him. Amrod and Amras were slain and Elwing jumped into the sea from her tower, with the Silmaril still attached. Then (the cheek of it!) Ulmo turned her into a sea-gull and she flew off! That's cheating! Besides, what about all the other elves at the Havens who didn't have Silmarils? It was hardly fair to them. One (very small) faction of my army decided to fight against me, but I soon put a stop to that.

After the battle we found Elwing's sons, Elros and Elrond, who had clearly been cruelly abandoned by both their parents. Maglor has adopted them - he'll be an excellent father. The remaining elves of Sirion have fled to Ereinion Gil-galad (now the High King, of course) on the Isle of Balar.

_Year 542, First Age_

Silmarils observed: 1

A new star appeared in the sky that looks very much like (in fact identical to) a Silmaril. I guess the Valar are finally going to do something!

_Year 545, First Age_

Armies from Valinor: 1

Yes, the Valar have finally got their act together and sent an army to deal with Morgoth. Eärendil and Elwing with the help of our Silmaril (didn't Father always say the Valar wanted the Silmarils for themselves?) reached Valinor and the Valar actually listened to their plea for help. As Eärendil and Elwing are half-elven they are not allowed to return to Middle-earth. Eärendil is to sail the skies in his ship, Vingilot, for all eternity with the Silmaril bound to his brow. I thought that was rather harsh, even though he wouldn't give the Silmaril back to its rightful owners.

Uncle Finarfin has come with the army, along with most of the other Noldor who stayed behind, and the Vanyar too. The Teleri are still sulking about the Kinslaying at Alqualondë, so they wouldn't set foot in Middle-earth.

_Year 587, First Age_

Kin slain: 2 (am cutting down)

Wars won: 1

Silmarils recovered: 2 (v. good)

Fiery deaths: 1 (v. bad)

The army from Valinor (with a little help from a few mortals) has captured Morgoth and sent him out into the Void. Eärendil took his ship into battle and killed the dragon Ancalagon the Black, whose fall from the sky smashed the towers of Thangorodrim. The Orcs and Balrogs have gone into hiding, but I suppose Gil-galad's troops will mop them up sooner or later. Eönwë, the Herald of Manwë and the commander of the army was keeping the Silmarils that Morgoth still had on his crown in a guarded tent. I sent a message to Eönwë asking for them, but he said that we had forfeited our right to the Silmarils because of the second and third Kinslayings. What everyone seems to forget about the Kinslayings is that we didn't start them. If they had just given us the Silmaril when we asked, no-one would have died.

Eönwë called for the elves still in Middle-earth to go back with the army and live on Tol Eressëa, just off the coast of Valinor, but quite a few, most notably Gil-galad and Cousin Galadriel, have refused. The Valar have granted the surviving Men who fought on the right side an island (Númenor) which they are going to raise out of the ocean, because Beleriand is about to be flooded. Elros has decided to become mortal and be King of Númenor, but Elrond will be an elf and help Gil-galad here in Middle-earth.

I talked Maglor into going to retrieve the Silmarils - he was reluctant at first - he actually thought that the Valar might give them back if we returned to Valinor and begged forgiveness! We killed the guards and took the Silmarils, but the damned jewels burned our hands (well, my hand and Maglor's hands). Maglor threw his into the sea and I threw mine into a fiery chasm that conveniently opened at my feet. Unfortunately I also threw myself in because I was in such pain and anguish. ------! It's impossible to think straight when you're around a Silmaril.


End file.
